Thursday, July 21, 2005
It's puzzling to figure out how fate twists people's lives, a tragedy turning into a fairy tale or the other way around, mine would be an exception, though. I've been going through the SAME sh*t, and I swear, having to live the same routine everyday could even be more stressing.
I'm currently trying to follow my anonymous commentator's advice. Actually I've done that so many times before, but this time I'm exerting more effort. I'm preoccupying myself with my studies, cheerleading and fencing (nourishing my unhealthy social life, too). I can say it pretty much worked but after seeing a movie today with him, ergh.. my efforts vanished and I'm back to square 1. I remained calm when I felt his cell phone constantly vibrate while watching this fiction movie. He acted as if he didn't feel it but his face showed he was nervous. I made him read the message and when he did, he snatched it out of my sight. Hah! I knew something's really going on. It was a girl. Named Abbie. (Sorry to say these things but I just had to let it out) Probably another entertainer from Malate. Admit it. Those girls can be extremely pretty, not to mention undeniably aggressive, too. I forced myself to remain steady. Is it in men's nature to flirt around with dirty girls? Trivia: Malate bitches are fond of Chinese guys daw. *Hysterically laughs*
I'm chatting with a friend of mine right now and she corrected me. Those girls his barkada is hooking up with aren't prostitutes. They're just the type of girls who show up in bars to bitch around but aren't necessarily paid. HAH! This case is worse. Come to think of it, they do this not for a living but because they just want to. Disgusting but true.
-Tinay 9:48 PM
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I want to believe that they're together. I want to believe that they're doing well so that I may move on with my life without hesitations and regrets. He always drops hints and reasons that there is still chance for the both of us. It's so selfish of him to do so. He just doesn't want to lose a girl. So there. I guess I'm out of the picture. God's so nice that He gave him back to me the second time around. This time, not for the sake that we'd be able to give it another shot but for the sake for me to know how shitty he could get. I guess I'm giving him away to that Abbie. It's always the bastard's loss if he chooses the bitch over a bone.
My apologies to the people who are affected by this entry
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Longest Elevator Ride
-Tinay 11:50 PM
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It was 2:30 in the morning, dawn of our supposedly 11th month, when I experienced one of the loneliest times of my life. He came over to check on me, but it didn't make me feel better- it made everything worse. I thought I was carefree about him anymore and thought that I wouldn’t mind if he starts dating other girls but when his cell phone constantly rang, it made me anxious. He was always amused of indecent girls, and I think I already knew what had happened a few hours before that moment. This was a good reason why I must move on. I perfectly understood that he loved me, but it was not the kind of love that would make him stay put and defend this relationship. He made me leave his car. After a few hesitations, I agreed to do so but I didn't go up to call it a night. I just stayed outside and waited to see if he would come back. Unfortunately, he didn't. My pride already sunk together with Titanic so I dialed his number and told him to come back. There were no words he spoke that made me feel secure. I knew that he could easily replace me for anyone, anytime. I simply cuddled him and as always, promised that to be the last. When will my mind reign over my entirety? I wish he wouldn't drop signs that would make me feel that there is still hope, but he always does.
I let go of his touch and pressed the elevator button. My knees felt weak and I fell to the floor. It was the longest elevator ride and it had to be a time alone. The last time I recall, he was with me when this same moment occurred. Tears frenziedly fell from my eyes, but there weren't clear reasons. I waited for the sun to rise, and expected that it would cleanse me anew. I didn't care about anything, careless about the conceit I already lost long ago. I whispered to myself that it would be over soon. I’ve already gone through 7 months of misery, I guess there's only a few to go. Tears still uncontrollably rolled as I slumbered with blinded eyes.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Helplessly in Vain
-Tinay 10:33 PM
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His familiar careless gestures welcomed me. His hug wasn't warm anymore, his kisses were rough and ungentle. His ways brought surprise to me; it wasn't the way it used to be. We quietly lay together in our own clandestine moments and I was thinking that he would be mine again. He harshly unleashed the mystery and gave me the thought that no matter what effort I show, he will never be the same again. He hurriedly brushed my hair with his immense, throbbing fingers. I burnt with sorrow while he burnt with infatuation. Tears from my eyes rolled down, then gone from his sight as they dried on his flesh, cotton shirt. He said he isn't ready yet to commit and those few words defined my tomorrow and the days after that. It was pure envy reigning over his head as he selfishly faked the words he thought would make me feel better. I was more than foolish those moments, I was indeed a rat tempted by a cheese, eventually falling for the trick despite the its consequences. He neatly lit another cigar, regardless of the puzzlement clearly painted on my face. I was trash and wasted as he relentlessly rushed me home and left me with nothing but more misery.
I am now secure, safely loved by this pretentious creature. I make believe his alluring words were genuine. I conceal my mind with a wonderful remembrance and cover my eyes with a strip of torn cloth and let my heart take over. I am slave to my feelings and his playful character... All for the sake of what they call devotion and for the chance to be fallen for in return.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
-Tinay 9:04 PM
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I've been infatuated for quite a number of months and have been in love for nearly a year- with a man who doesn't speak a word about it at all. It was as if he was doing it for a reason probably to drive away from commitments and you know how things get tangled up when you’re attached like a battle with no surrender, a clown losing its humor. I pretty much feel the same way for he never said words of gratitude for the simplest favors I carry out for him. He's sightless about the spark my eyes clearly show; pitiful for my effort that desperately embraces his ego; numb to feel how great I truthfully believe that the two of us spell out the noun belongingness. It's ironic how I manage to stay in love even more each day. How can I devote myself to a man who advises me to write the story of my tragedy to "Maalaala Mo Kaya" every time I ask how much I mean to him? How can I care for a man who always tells me how dense and foolish I get whenever I seek attention from him? How can I constantly let my heart reign over my mind when every beat it sheds out screams mourns of agony in heartaches? His poisoning scent becomes more addicting than paranoia. His hurtful words uttered by a terribly-husked pitch rewind in my head. His heinous shortcomings haunt my daydreaming minutes. My story ends here, as a fruitless romantic. I shall never quest to be loved by him for he shall never learn the art of loving a helpless woman. I shall walk through confusion- looking forward for his warm embrace and looking back at a dull past; also stealing glimpses beside my shadow that whispers that we shall never be...
Monday, July 04, 2005
A Decent Coffee + Indecent Issue = Good Friday night
He picked me up from a 70's event in NBC so I was in my little, dramatic, black dress. What HE told me put me into the immediate shock of my life. I can't believe that somehow he feels more pitiful for the average girl than the bitch. I'm literally speaking here. You see, this guy who never really learned to embrace normative knowledge battled with me on a Friday-Greenbelt night. We just sat in Seattle's, sipped our coffees and clashed until our asses went ablaze. I have nothing against prostitutes; it's just that their poverty will never become a fair excuse. An hour had passed.. then two.. and another. I wasn't even sure who gets the point afterwards.
Battle of the Sexes
-Tinay 9:12 PM
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It's just silly of him to see in a perspective of a pleasure-maker when in fact he'd always reminded me of the sense of chastity. Foolish of him to mold me to become conservative and innocent yet he'd always been fond of hot and liberated ladies. You get what I mean. I hate the way guys think!!! They get very irrational when it comes to simple reasoning, what more for a complicated relationship? I also hate the way we, girls desperately want to live out our fantasies. We've become so idealistic that when guys fail us (which happens most of the time), we tend to be very aggravated as if it were the end of the world. He and I really DO have different perspectives for I would rather suffer a weeklong or so scrubbing a washroom's tiles or scrapping garbage to be brought in a junkshop than sell my flesh to some obnoxious maniac. Thank you, God for giving me a sign.