:: thoughts from the heart, blotted by the hand ::


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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Living free..

I've been to busy lately. Yeah, busy finding myself and it has done no good at all. I realized you can't find a piece of yourself when the fucking world is hiding it from you. I was admitted in the hospital last Friday til Sunday. Being injected many times sucked, being unable to move around pissed me off, being confined in a four-cornered room killed me and to top it all off, some person in my love history completely ruined the remaining days of my summer. I knew it right from the start. I shouldn't put myself into situations I can't get out of. Now, I'm stuck and left hanging when it should be the other way around. I thought God has good karma for me the second time around. I'm back to the days when I would "stick" my lungs out and worry myself over the past that will never come back, things that I've hoped for but is far from happening. I'm happy that I have review school friends who have been distracting me psychologically coz of their crazy ideas but this weekend, it will all come to an end. Again, I'm left alone in my suicidal world. I wanna get lost with someone.. To live a life without rules.. No limitations.. Yung tipong you're driving on a zigzag road towards a mountain and you're on the passenger seat screaming the lyrics the CD's playing. Tas itatapon niyo cel niyo sa dagat. No calls from parents, no civilization, to live in the outside world. Gusto kong maghubad at humiga sa damo, manood ng stars or ng sunset. Gusto kong lamukin, ubuhin at maligo sa ulan, banggain kotse ko at limutan lahat ng problema. I wanna be free.. I want to discover what I lived for. I want to find the parts of myself that he took. Look into yourself, I know you want that too. The world has been too tiring and stressing already. There's been no room for relaxation and peace. If I were to be born again, I'd pick to be a mountain person. They are happy with what they are and what they have. The philosopher in me said that happiness comes from wanting what you have and not having what you want. We all deserve that kind of life but the barriers that hinder me from freedom are the rules set by other people. I'm just afraid with what they would think of me, when in fact all I want is peace of mind. Why do people have to judge you when in fact they don't know a shit about you? Where do you find the place wherein you could deeply reflect without anyone dictating what you must do? Where do you find yourself? Or is it just meant not to show up until you give up and surrender yourself to the cruel world? I'm terribly lost. I need someone. Just one. Urgent. I can't hold on anymore.

-Tinay 7:00 PM links to this post |

~*~I have my feet buried beneath sand, I have my mind burned with desire and I have my heart blistered with your broken promises~*~

* Dwelling in Ortigas * Seventeen has been the peak of my whole life * I love hanging out with my friends- as long as I am with them, I am content. * I'm in search of the thing that I am really good at. I've tried ballet, gymnastics, piano, cheerleading, etc. Just not my thing. * Currently into fencing, though. * I'm a proud Christian who declares her faith * A part of my heart belongs to Rob Sy * I study in DLSU-Manila * I'm a BS Psychology major * I have mood swing tendencies * I can be sociable * I can also be unsociable to people I dislike * Generally, I can get along with anyone * Just do not bitch around me * I'm usually playing pool at Katipunan, Tomas, Metrowalk, Makati or Timog area * or I would probably be spotted seated at a resto bar or a coffee shop * I enjoy going to the movies * I am kind of tired of the night life * I'd rather be burnt with stress than be buried in boredom * I listen to house music most of the time * I enjoy traveling * Especially trips to the beach * I'm a frustrated writer * Being a cardiologist is my ultimate dream * School sucks especially when I dislike the teacher + subject * I can be a jealous person at times * There are times when I suffer from extreme paranoia * You may hate me for some things but I assure you that I am not a hypocrite * I'm suffering in a major college crisis * Help anyone? * I'll update this soon *

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